Into the Woods
by Cassima
Summary: Heavily based on Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream", but yet not so much. Yaoi, Het, and numerous pairings.
1. Act I

Into the Woods, Act I by Cassima 

* * *

  
Pairings: Too lengthy to list; besides, that would spoil my fun.  
  
Warnings: Het, _yaoi_, loose women, loose men, Shakespeare bastardization, Relena bashing, Heero bashing, Trowa bashing--actually, a lot of people get bashed in some way, shape, or form.  
  
Based on: Ol' Will's _Midsummer Night's Dream_. Very heavily, but yet not so much.  
  
Disclaimer: Forgive me, Will... Forgive me, O Great Gundam Dudes... for I have not bought these boys, but merely hold them illegally until they are forced out of my cold, dead, stubby fingers.  
  
No offense meant to: The dead poet guy with lots of plays, "I love Lucy" show, "The X-Files", "Batman", "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", "South Park", and "Scary Movie"... actually, I _do_ mean offense to "Scary Movie". That wasn't scary at all.  
  
  


* * *

  
Christian: "Love... Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts you up when you're feeling down; all you need is love!"  
  
Satine: "Please, don't start that again."  
  
--"Elephant Love Medley", _ Moulin Rouge_  
  


* * *

  
** I.i**  
  
Treize, General and ruler of Athens, the capital of Oz's newly acquired territory, smiled to himself as he looked around the palace--_his_ palace. Finally, after long last, Dreken, the former occupant, had croaked, and--under Treize's direct supervision--the castle had been tastefully redecorated in marble and gold. In fact, his betrothal celebration last month had featured a large bonfire where they'd had the privilege--and intense pleasure, in Treize's case--of burning the plaid curtains and rather hideous chairs Dreken had left behind.  
  
Treize was pleased with his new kingdom; the peasants weren't revolting--well, not in the sense of revolution--and the most nifty roses grew in his personal gardens. Everything was going so well! "Lady Une," he said to his fiancée, "things are going so well."  
  
She gave him a stony look; evidently, she was the Colonel at the moment.  
  
He coughed, and picked up the other side of the awkward conversation as well. "Yes, only two days until our wedding..." There was an uncomfortable silence in the room.  
  
"Treize!" a voice suddenly bellowed into the nearly-empty throne room, luckily ending the dreadful conversation. Well, as well as the old geezer could bellow; the oxygen tank he carted around with him always freaked the General out. The strange binocular-like glasses didn't help, either.  
  
"Dr. J," Treize greeted, relieved to see someone new who would hold their part in the conversation. "How are you doing?"  
  
"Miserable, but that's not why I'm here," the doctor grumbled, and Trieze began to re-think his position on Dr. J's presence. "The reason I'm here is because--stand _up_, boy--because of this ungrateful brat of mine."  
  
Quatre rolled his eyes. "But, Dr. J--"  
  
"Quiet, boy!" Dr. J snapped. "Now, as I was saying... my boy Quatre has my permission to marry Heero--Yuy, get over here--and Heero's consented to the marriage. Now, stand up, _Nanashi_."  
  
As the third young man with a large heap of bangs piled over one eye obediently stood up next to Quatre, the blond boy bristled at the doctor. "Okay, first of all, his name is _Trowa_, Dr. J--"  
  
"Shut up, boy; I'm talking to the General."  
  
Treize struggled to hide a sigh as the blond young man blew at his bangs in frustration. The other two young men merely stood like statues on the floor.  
  
"This boy," Dr. J continued, pointing to the one with the strange comb-over, "has stolen my Zero-system and used it to mess with his head! Now, they think they want to go get married--married! What about _my_ choices?! What about Heero?!"  
  
"If you love him so much," Quatre remarked pointedly, "maybe you should marry him yourself."  
  
Everyone in the room looked vaguely repulsed by that idea, even the Colonel and the stoic Trowa and Heero. Actually, especially Heero.  
  
"Don't be ridiculous, boy. G would never go for a threesome," Dr. J told him, unperturbed.  
  
The repulsion in the room grew to seriously disturbed levels.  
  
Treize coughed, trying to clear his mind of the horrible image of Dr. J and Professor G in bed together, their old, wrinkly, sweaty bodies twining around each other as they grunted and--"By Athenian law," Treize said loudly, moving on, "children have to marry who their parents choose."  
  
"He's not my father!" Quatre cried.  
  
"Heero's not that bad," Treize said, still uncomfortable with the thought of the two old guys getting it on. "He's very... stoic..."  
  
"So's Trowa!" Quatre said, clutching the boy's arm in his defense.  
  
"Well, Heero is..." He looked back and forth between the two candidates for Quatre's hand. "Honestly, they're virtually the same. If not for the bangs, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two." Treize sighed. "Does it really matter?"  
  
"Well, it's the principle of the thing," Quatre said. "Besides, Trowa and I are in love."  
  
"Whatever," Treize said, "but by law you have to marry who your father picks out for you, or I get to kill you in a horrendously unfair duel where you get a hotdog to defend yourself, and I get many sharp pointy knives."  
  
"He's not my father!" Quatre yelled again. "We're not even related!"  
  
"Well, you _could_ become a nun, I suppose..." the General said thoughtfully.  
  
"I'm not a girl!" He pouted, glaring at Treize.  
  
Treize cleared his throat. "Forget I said that. Now, um, b--*other* boys," he stumbled, turning his attention to Trowa and Heero, "What do you have to say about this..." He waved his hand towards them.  
  
"He's mine," Heero said, not even looking at Quatre.  
  
"I... see." Treize lifted an eyebrow.  
  
"I work with lions." Trowa's expression never changed.  
  
"Fascinating." Treize templed his fingers in front on him while attempting to suppress a sweatdrop. Quatre had hearts in his eyes. "But, erm, about this marriage thing--"  
  
"Look, Quatre," Heero said suddenly, looking over to his betrothed. "Just think it over, okay? I'm not that bad a find."  
  
"You stay out of this, Yuy," Quatre snarled, turning his wrath upon the Japanese boy.  
  
"Whatever, then," Treize said, wondering if that was a smirk on Trowa's face. "You have until the next full moon, and if you're not married to Heero by then, I get to have my duel. And, frankly, no one ever picks the duel, so I'd really appreciate it if you could just remember how much I crave a nice fight..."  
  
"Dismissed," Une intoned.  
  
"I wasn't done yet!" Treize protested.  
  
She glared at him, and he cleared his throat again. "Um, yes. Dismissed." He had no idea what he was supposed to be talking about now; it was going to be a long wait for the wedding.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Trowa, what are we going to do?" Quatre cried, pacing back and forth in Trowa's room. "That old bastard won't leave me alone." He whirled around to pace the other way, waving his arms around. "We don't even look alike!"  
  
"Calm down, Quatre... you're getting red in the face."  
  
"I am _not_ marrying Heero. He's a cold-hearted son of a--"  
  
"He's not that bad," Trowa contested, feeling uncomfortable. He and Heero were an awful lot alike.  
  
"Oh, Trowa," the blond finally wailed, stopping in his tracks. "What are we going to do?"  
  
"I don't know," he replied, and pushed himself away from the wall he'd been leaning on to walk over to his lover. "We'll think of something."  
  
"I don't want to lose you," Quatre whispered, eyes large.  
  
"I'll never leave you," Trowa promised, raising a hand to run it lightly through the other's hair. "Never."  
  
They stood like that for a long moment, staring into each other's eyes.  
  
"Let's run away," Quatre said suddenly. "We can head over to Sanq, get married, and settle down in a peaceful little village."  
  
"..."  
  
"Or," Quatre amended, rolling his eyes, "we could just find a traveling circus and join."  
  
"I like lions," Trowa repeated.  
  
"Yes, yes, you and your lions, wonderful--"  
  
"But I like you more."  
  
Quatre gaped for a moment before pulling the taller boy into a desperate hug. "Oh, Trowa! You're so wonderful!" He leaned away again, but gave his lover's hand a tight squeeze before letting go. "We'll leave tonight," he said, beginning to pace again. "I'll have to pack lightly, so I'll bring three of my pink shirts and only two of my vests, and--"  
  
A knock on the door saved Trowa from having to respond to this, and Quatre quickly hid in the closet as Trowa went to open the door.  
  
"Hi, Trowa!" the girl at the door said with a smile. "Have you seen Quatre? I was looking for him, but his father said he hadn't seen him since the conference with Treize, and--"  
  
"He's not my father!" Quatre yelled from the closet before stalking out.  
  
Relena raised an eyebrow. "Quatre, it's too late to come out of the closet. You haven't been in since you were six."  
  
Quatre flushed. "Hey!" Before he could get properly worked up over it, though, he noticed the sad look in her eyes. "Relena, is something wrong?"  
  
She sighed, and the smile drifted off her face. "Oh, it's just Heero. He keeps saying he's in love with you, and I guess it's finally getting a teensy bit on my nerves. I wish I could be a boy. Maybe he'd like me then."  
  
"There's nothing wrong with being a girl," Quatre told her gently. "In fact, I've often wished--" he broke off suddenly, perhaps belatedly realizing the inappropriateness of the comment.  
  
Relena never noticed. "He quotes back to me everything you say, and he told me I should wear more pink if I want to be attractive, because of your stupid shirts!"  
  
Quatre shrugged. "I like pink."  
  
She indicated her outfit. "I'm wearing pink! Everything I own is pink! My horse is pink!"  
  
"I've been meaning to ask you about that," Trowa said.  
  
"I'm not encouraging him. I told him to take a long walk off a short bridge." Quatre scratched his head, confused.  
  
"I dressed myself in a pink negligee and showed up in his bed, and he tried to throw me out the window. Look," Relena said, whirling on Quatre, "teach me how to be you. I'll cut my hair, I'll get a sex-change, I'll--"  
  
"Relena!" Quatre cried, pulling her hands into his. "Don't do anything drastic! Look, I'll let you in on a secret, okay? Trowa and I are running away to join the circus together. Tonight. We'll be out of your hair, and then you can have Heero all to yourself, alright?"  
  
"Really?" she said with a sniffle.  
  
"Yes," Quatre said, moving to stand next to Trowa and taking his lover's hand. "But you have to promise not to tell."  
  
Relena smiled and nodded. "Quatre, you're the best!"  
  
"We're leaving tonight?" Trowa asked, Quatre's earlier statement finally settling in for permanent residence.  
  
"There's no time to lose!" Quatre cried. "If Dr. J calls me 'boy' or 'son' one more time, I think I may kill him!"  
  
Relena gave Quatre a strange look before smiling. "Okay, Quatre... I'll miss you!" She gave him a hug and a wink before slipping out the door.  
  
"We're leaving tonight?" Trowa frowned. "That doesn't give me much time to say goodbye to the lions."  
  


* * *

  
  
While Relena walked down the hall, she was holding an internal debate. On one hand, Quatre and Trowa were leaving. Heero would be upset, and she could comfort him! On the other hand, Quatre and Trowa were leaving. Heero would be upset if he found out if she knew and didn't say anything. What was the saying? "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." She pursed her lips. Heero used to love her, before he saw Quatre and went all funny. He still loved her, she was sure, but at the moment, he was... confused.  
  
So, what could she do but chase after him, trying to make him remember how happy they'd been together. With a sigh, she brushed a tear away from her face. Maybe if she dyed her hair brown and braided it into one long braid she'd be more attractive...  
  
Nah. It'd never work. She'd just have to tell him where Quatre and Trowa were going, and hope he'd love her for this.  
  
To a normal brain, this plan made little sense; but Relena, of course, is both blonde and dumb, and allowances must be made.  
  
Resolved, she went looking.  
  


* * *

  
  
** I.ii**  
  
"Okay, okay," Sally yelled. "Everybody, shut up!" The group quickly quit jabbering. "So, is everyone here?"  
  
"Exactly who is supposed to be here?" Catherine asked, eyebrow lifted.  
  
"What is she wearing?" Dorothy whispered to Meiran, indicating Catherine's strange tutu.  
  
"And what are we doing here?" Meiran asked, ignoring Dorothy.  
  
"And what's with your eyebrows?" Catherine asked snidely, having overheard the not-that-quiet comment.  
  
"They're fashionable," Dorothy replied snootily. "What's wrong with *your* eyebrows?"  
  
Not wanting to get into that debate just then, Sally cleared he throat and called the attention back to herself. "Ladies, ladies. We're here to do this play for Treize."  
  
"He's a weakling," Meiran snorted.  
  
"Nevertheless, if we do a good job, we get a mobile suit."  
  
"What am I going to do with a mobile suit?" Catherine asked. "I don't have the storage space!"  
  
"You could always make it a showcase for your circus," Hilde suggested.  
  
"Hm..." Catherine considered.  
  
"But, I have the script," Sally interrupted again. "And I'm ready to cast the parts. Okay? Ready?"  
  
"I don't need a script," Dorothy boasted. "I'm wonderful at improvising."  
  
Meiran hid a comment in a cough.  
  
Sally ignored them. "The play is entitled 'The Most Lamentable Comedy, and Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisby.'"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"I can tell from the title that that is most likely the worst play ever written," Professor G finally spoke up.  
  
"Who's asking you, anyway?" Sally said angrily. "You're just here to impress you little J-sie-poo."  
  
The women all shuddered at the image the two men conjured in their minds.  
  
"No, no, he's right," Hilde agreed when she could speak again.  
  
"Just look at the name," Catherine said. "I mean, Sal, c'mon, it's trash."  
  
"Bad trash." Dorothy nodded her head; her eyebrows bobbed gently.  
  
"Trained monkeys could write better," Meiran declared, grabbed the script from Sally's hand, and set it on fire. "Justice!" she declared, watching the papers curl with flame and collapse to ash on the ground.   
  
The others looked at her strangely, but were interrupted by a wail from Sally.  
  
"That was my script! You burned my script!" She wrung her hands. "Fine, if you think you can do better, you write the script! I wash my hands of this writing crap! We'll meet tonight at the old hollow stump in the forest, and somebody else better have a script for us to use!" Eyes blazing, she stomped off.  
  
Everyone else exchange a glance. "So..." Hilde said after a pause. "Tonight then?"  


* * *

---- Act II

Cassima is listening.

Oo, the main page...


	2. Act II

Into the Woods, Act II By Cassima 

* * *

  
** II.i**  
  
"Hey, pretty Noin, where're you headed?"  
  
The messenger fairy winked at the handsome sprite; this was a game they played often. "Why, good sir, I'm out for a beer pickup for Zechs, as I'm sure you well know."  
  
He grinned, toying with the end of his braid. "Moi? How should I know something like that?"  
  
"Because," she said, leaning towards him with a _look_, "if I'm not mistaken, you're _Shinigami_, also known as Duo Maxwell, second in these woods only to Kings Chang and Zechs, and master of pranks. Am I wrong?"  
  
"Got it in one," Duo declared, delighted. "I see my reputation proceeds me. But, you gotta be careful, Noin," he said, sobering. "The king's coming through here tonight--and you know how he is right now. If he heard you were from--you know who--you'd hardly get off with only a six-hour justice lecture."  
  
Noin shuddered; those lectures were notoriously frightening.  
  
"If Zechs would just give back his sword, we could forget about this and go on with our lives."  
  
"Won't happen," Noin said, shaking her head. "Not for another week or so. He's still pissed about the spaghetti."  
  
Duo rolled his eyes. "It's not like the stains won't come out."  
  
"I think it was his hair that he's the most pissed about," Noin started, but Duo suddenly interrupted.  
  
"He's coming! Get out of here, quickly!"  
  
"No time!" she cried. "Oh, shit, I took too long... Zechs is coming looking for me! He'll kill us both... Hide!" They both ducked behind a bush to watch and wince at the fight that was about to occur as both Zechs and Wufei strode into the clearing from opposite sides.  
  
"Well," Wufei drawled after recovering from his surprise, "fancy meeting you here."  
  
Zechs glared back. "You may have noticed I moved all my stuff out of your palace. In case you don't get it, we've broken up. We're done."  
  
"Oh, please, you know you want me." Wufei snorted.  
  
"Like I want wrinkles," Zechs declared.  
  
"I am not wrinkly," Wufei returned, eyes narrowing. "You're older than I am, anyway."  
  
"I age better," Zechs retorted smoothly.  
  
"Right," was Wufei's short reply. "Look, let's part amicably. You just give me back my sword, and we can call this whole feud off."  
  
"Give you back your sword?" Zechs looked to be pondering this. "Only if you get rid of Maxwell."  
  
"Me?" Duo asked in a harsh whisper. "What the hell's wrong with me?" He seemed about ready to get up and ask just that, but Noin held him down with a stern look and a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Duo?" Wufei asked, taken aback. "But--but I can't get rid of Maxwell! I--I need him to do my dirty work!"  
  
"He's loud, obnoxious, and completely irreverent," Zechs said. "I won't start dealing until you ditch the bozo."  
  
"Take your offer and stuff it," Wufei growled. "Maxwell may be a pain in the ass, but he's the brightest I've got. He's also," the King leveled a vicious glare, "my best friend. Make a different offer."  
  
"You tell him, Wu," Duo grumbled, feeling oddly vindicated by the half-compliment.  
  
"No way! I'm keeping the sword," Zechs snapped. "That's the only thing I've gotten out of this crappy relationship!"  
  
"Liar!" Wufei snapped back. "I let you be on top most of the time!"  
  
Duo buried his face in his hands and Noin furiously plugged her ears. Their majesties would _kill_ them if they realized their servants were learning of their bedding history.  
  
"You call that sex? I'd have better with my sister!"  
  
"I am your king!" Wufei hissed coldly. "And I'll have you speak to me with respect!"  
  
"_You're_ the King?!" Zechs cried, indignant.  
  
"Well, I'm hardly the Queen," Wufei told him. "_I'm_ not the one who insisted on wearing a dress all the time, like a stupid woman."  
  
"Screw that," Zechs muttered, looking down at his first pair of pants in a long, long time, and tromped back through the bushes the way he came. "And I'm keeping the damn sword."  
  
Noin put a hand on Duo's arm. "I need to hurry for the beer. He's really going to need it after a confrontation like that."  
  
Duo nodded, and Noin was gone before he could wish her luck. "Great," he grumbled. "And Wufei doesn't even drink."  
  
"Fine, leave then!" the king snarled at the already-gone Zechs. Turning, he sat down on a nearby rock and began to brood. His eyes darkened, and he opened his mouth. "Maxwell! Maxw--!"  
  
"Here I am!" Duo cried cheerfully, and popped up right next to Wufei, pretending he hadn't heard any of the fight. "You called, Wu-chan?"  
  
He jumped in surprise, blinking wildly. "Don't call me that!" he snapped after recovering his composure.  
  
"Don't be such a grouch," Duo returned, and smiled brilliantly. Whenever Wufei got depressed, it was always Duo Maxwell who pulled him out of it before he got too deep. Duo privately termed it his sacred duty.  
  
"I have a plan for revenge on that chit, Zechs," Wufei continued, studiously ignoring the baiting his best friend was doing. "Do you remember a blossom I pointed out to you on our last vacation?"  
  
"Women are chits. Sexy Zechy is a chump." Duo squinted, trying to remember the flower. Vividly, he could recall Wufei with only a towel draped around his waist, but there had been a hell of a lot of flowers on that trip. They hadn't really captured his interest. "Uh..."  
  
Wufei sighed. "It was orange... had large, heart-shaped petals..."  
  
"Red flecks?" Duo hazarded.  
  
"No," Wufei said with another sigh, reminding himself to be patient with the other fairy. Detail retention was something Duo always had trouble with; he wasn't just trying to be difficult. Well, he better not be, anyway. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out a field guide and thumbed to page 73, pointing to the sketch there. "You see now?"  
  
Duo shrugged. "What about it?"  
  
"I want you to get me one."  
  
"You want me to give you flowers?" Duo frowned, and finally shrugged. "Well, okay, but I thought you preferred roses."  
  
"Maxwell, stop fooling around and just pay attention! This flower has magical properties, and has influence over the power of love. Do you understand now? It has to be this flower. Got it?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Duo said with a shrug. "What are you going to do with it, anyway? Trying to win Zechs back?"  
  
Wufei spit on the ground.  
  
"That's nasty, Wu-chan."  
  
"Why would I want that--that--that _woman_ back in my life?!" His face began to turn red. "All I want is to make him fall for a small woodland creature... like a skunk."  
  
"I've always been partial to the porcupine," Duo said. "And then, there's always the classic goat or sheep."  
  
"Look at the picture again," Wufei commanded.  
  
"Why don't you just tell me where it is?" Duo asked, hands on his hips. "Or go get it yourself."  
  
"Maxwell," Wufei growled.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Duo said, waving it off. "Don't worry, Wu-chan. I'll have it before you can say 'antidisestablishmentarianism'."  
  
"Don't call me that," Wufei said, but Duo was already gone.  
  
Shit, but it'd been a bad day.  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOO!!" A particularly annoying screech interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Exactly what part of 'Go away' do you not understand, the nouns or the verbs?" a boy's voice responded, and the pair came into sight. The boy was dressed in--of all things--tight spandex and a tank top, totally unsuited for the climate. His hair was in disarray, bangs spiking over his eyes. The girl following him was dressed in an ugly pink dress, her hair loose behind her except for two small braids pinned to the back of her head.  
  
"Oh, Heero," the girl gushed, "I know you don't mean it. You can stop playing hard to get."  
  
"I'm impossible to get, Relena. I'm gay, now leave me alone." Heero paused and looked around the woods. "Where the hell is Quatre? You said he and Trowa were out here."  
  
"They're around," the girl replied vaguely. "But, forget them! We were meant to be together! Our children will be perfect..."  
  
"I was meant to be with Quatre." His tongue caressed the other's name, and Wufei rolled his eyes. "And if you don't tell me where he went and go away, I'm going to kill you."  
  
She put her hands on her hips. "I wish you'd stop lying to yourself, Heero."  
  
He finally whirled around, gun suddenly in hand. "This gun carries multiple bullets, you know, and I have more than one clip. I can kill you and still have plenty left for Trowa."  
  
"I want doves at our wedding," she said thoughtfully.  
  
"I think I'm going to be sick." He turned back to the fork in the path.  
  
"I think I may join you," Wufei told him, but remained hidden in the trees; mortals rarely sensed him, anyway.  
  
"Lots of doves," she continued. "And butterflies. Do you think they can train doves to fly behind me and carry my veil?"  
  
Heero growled and stalked off, Relena following close behind and still planning their wedding.  
  
"What a strange couple," Wufei muttered to himself. "And, don't worry, you stupid woman, by the time you leave the woods, he'll be chasing you and you'll be running away." He smiled. "Justice!"  
  
"Hey, Wu," a voice said in his ear.  
  
The king of fairies jumped before wheeling angrily on his best servant. "Maxwell, I--how many times have I told you not to do that, you _baka_?!"  
  
"You weren't paying attention, either?" the sprite asked innocently.  
  
Wufei struggled to control his temper. For all that Duo had the ability to annoy him over any other, his cheer could be frighteningly comforting when he needed it to be. "Did you find it?" he finally asked, more calmly than he actually felt.  
  
"Piece of cake, man," Duo chirped, and pulled a flower from behind his ear and tossed it to his king.  
  
Wufei raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well, actually, it would have been if it hadn't been growing on an active volcano guarded by a seriously PMS-ing dragon. You could have _told_ me there was a dragon, Wu. With fire!" He glared at his king and best friend.  
  
"I knew you could handle it," Wu said, conveniently forgetting he had known no such thing.  
  
"There was poison ivy, too."  
  
"You did good," Wufei comforted, and was slightly discomfited by the glow on Duo's face at the praise. "Now, while I fix the blond, you take this petal--" he plucked one from the orange blossom, "--and streak it across the eyes of a boy in these woods."  
  
"Like this?" he fairy asked, reaching up to brush the petal against his own eyes.  
  
"NO!" Wufei yelled, and yanked the hand down. "Not like that! Never, ever, _ever_ do that again. Are you listening?"  
  
The boy nodded, looking chastened.  
  
Wufei sighed and counted to ten, trying to remind himself that this joking around was one of Duo's more attractive traits. That sentiment offered, for the moment, surprisingly little comfort. "Duo, make sure the next thing he sees is the young annoying lady following him."  
  
"What's he look like?"  
  
"Dark hair. Strange, pointy bangs. Tight clothing. Meet me back here in a bit. Don't mess up." With that, he disappeared through the trees.  
  
Duo's eyes followed his form, and the boy tried not to sigh. "Wu, why do you always play these games with Zechs? I..." He shrugged and forced cheer. It was pointless to argue with Wufei when he got into these power struggles with Zechs. Duo didn't even think he _liked_ Zechs. "Your wish is my command."  
  
  
** II.ii**  
  
"I can't believe the--hic!--nerve of that bastard," Zechs raged again, popping the tab on another can of beer. With a nasty glare, he chilled it; after all, what's the good of being a fairy if you can't drink cold beer, and besides, he wasn't quite so drunk that he couldn't manage to zap his own beer.  
  
"Zechs," Noin warned, "I'm cutting you off. That's your last."  
  
"You can't cut me off! I'm King! King! Look at me! I'm gorgeous, and I have a stupid sword. I don't have to deal with Mr. I'm-Too-Perfect Chang anymore, or his stupid little I'm-so-cute-look-at-me servant anymore! And, I have a sword."  
  
"You mean Duo?" Noin asked, trying to pick his ramblings apart. When Zechs had been--er--Queen Zechs, she had been his head lady in waiting. The complaint was hardly new, but she hoped to finally understand what it meant.  
  
"Duo Maxwell," Zechs hissed. "The infamous _ Shinigami_. He's unshapely!"  
  
"He's actually quite shapely--"  
  
"No. He's disproportioned!"  
  
"I'm sure his proportions are all intact--"  
  
Zechs frowned with a concentration born only of those who have drunk much, much too much. "That's not what I mean at all." He took another drought of beer, letting the fine, cold liquid surge down his throat and ease into this stomach. "I mean, he's hot." Zechs frowned. That wasn't what he'd meant to say at all, but, now that he thought about it... that boy _was_ pretty fine.  
  
Noin smiled at him, giving up for the moment. "Yes, he is." Eyeing the mass of beer cans rolling around the ground, not all of them empty, she discretely scraped them under Zechs' bed with her foot. It was quite possible that, while trying to buy enough to pacify the raging monster Zechs had been, twenty cases may have been too much. "Bedtime, Zechs."  
  
"Not tired," the petulant king slurred as his servant pulled him up from the ground and laid him on the bed. It squeaked under his weight and an empty rolled out from underneath. She calmly kicked it back out of sight.  
  
"Sure you aren't," she replied, and pulled his boots off, wrinkling her nose at the funny corn chip odor emanating from his feet.  
  
"Noin..." Zechs called as she shoved his shoes under the bed with the beer cans.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I love you," he said drunkenly. "You're my best friend. Let's have kittens together."  
  
She gave him a strange look, but he was already asleep. She sighed. Looking after drunken kings was _so_ not her thing.  
  
Oh, well. At least there were four more unopened cases left--probably closer to seven, actually, if someone wanted to pick all the unopened bottles from the ground. "Hey, guys," she called to the rest of Zechs' ladies in waiting. "Guess what I've got?"  
  


* * *

  
  
Wufei, looking in from the shadows, smirked as Zechs' servants all continued to get rip-roaring drunk. A waste of some damn fine Miller, true, but then again, Zechs considered anything other than wine a waste of good alcohol, so he probably didn't care.  
  
Sneaking serpentine over to his ex-lover's bedside to avoid the strewn cans, he carefully brushed some of the flower's pollen onto the man's eyelids. "Here goes true love."  
  
The fairy snored.  
  
Wufei smirked. How weak, to be caught slobbering drunkenly in his sleep--by his enemy, of all people! Carefully, he started the incantation:  
  
_ "Roses are red,  
Violets are blue.  
The first thing you see  
You'll be smitten to."_  
  
Cackling to himself, he left to find a skunk... or perhaps a nice porcupine.  
  


* * *

  
  
Nearby, two weary lovers stumbled out of the bushes and looked around.  
  
"We're lost, Trowa," the blond said hopelessly. "I knew we should have stopped for directions at that last Information Desk."  
  
Trowa nodded and patted him on the back. "Don't worry, Quatre."  
  
Quatre smiled back. "How big can this forest be, anyway? As long as I'm with you, nothing else matters!"  
  
Trowa gulped a little, nervous about the "I'm lost in the dark in the woods without a flashlight or a cell phone and don't know I'm about to become an X-File" faux pas Quatre had just made, but tactfully changed the subject. He really didn't need to rile up his husband-to-be some more. "I think we're walking in circles."  
  
"We'll just go to sleep here," Quatre said. "It's a rather nice part of the forest--well, except for those beer cans over there--and we can just sleep here until the sun comes up. Everything will look better in the morning, and Trowa, what in the name of Allah are you doing?"  
  
"Want one?" Trowa asked, holding out a can.  
  
"Put that back! That could be anyone's! You don't even know what that is!"  
  
"Miller Light," the boy read off the label by moonlight. "With a red maple leaf in the corner. It's supposed to be good."  
  
"Well, we _have_ been traveling all night," Quatre said. "And I _am_ rather thirsty..." Taking the proffered can, he chugged it. "Not bad," he commented, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "I have to admit, though, I prefer Corona."  
  
Trowa allowed himself an incredulous blink at this completely new side of his lover.  
  
"What?" Quatre responded. "You think I never drink, just because Dr. Overprotective J thinks he's my father? Actually, he's what drove me to drink in the first place. But, that's all in the past now."  
  
"But... _Corona_?" Trowa asked.  
  
"There is nothing," Quatre said testily, "wrong with Corona."  
  
Trowa decided to drop the subject, yawned, popped open another beer, and took a drink. It was warm... he hated his beer warm. With a sigh, he set it aside. "Let's go to bed."  
  
"Okay," Quatre said, picking up the can Trowa left behind and finishing it off easily. He set it down with a flourish, and then dropped the final bomb on Trowa's little carefully-constructed image of his boyfriend. "I have condoms and lube."  
  
Trowa blinked a few more times. "I would rather," he said awkwardly, trying not to hurt his feelings, "we waited until we were married."  
  
"Oh," was Quatre's reply. "Are you saying you don't find me attractive?"  
  
"No-o..." Trowa stalled, trying to find away to say he was too tired without it sounding like something Quatre would misinterpret. "We've just been walking all night, and--and I want our first time to be special," he finished, hoping he found a good answer.  
  
"Oh," Quatre said again. "Well, fine."  
  
"We can still sleep next to each other," Trowa compromised, hating the look on Quatre's face, and gently kissed the boy. "I do love you, after all."  
  
Quatre melted under that, but pulled away. "No, it's better not to tempt me. I'll sleep over here, by the beer. You can go over by that tree, okay?" He sent Trowa a sunny smile.  
  
Trowa, despite his misgivings, went to sleep under the large oak, wincing as the roots dug into his spine.  
  


* * *

  
  
Duo rubbed his eyes. He was getting nowhere. "The things I do for you, Wu..." he mumbled, and wandered closer towards Zechs' side of the forest. It was dangerous; Zechs had an unabashed dislike for Wufei's right-hand man, and had made that painfully clear to the ever-oblivious Wufei with that scene just this afternoon in the clearing. If Zechs or any of his followers spotted him, he'd be in for a world of trouble.  
  
His foot met a large lump over by the oak tree, and he cursed as he stumbled. Looking the body up and down, he ran over his mental checklist. "Okay, dark hair... check. Tight clothes... check. Strange, pointy bangs... the granddaddy of all giant checkmarks." He looked down at Trowa. "So, you're the skank who's been cheatin' on his girl, huh?" He glanced over a few yards to see a young, short-haired blonde lying on the ground next to a few empties, fast asleep. "That must be the chick. Damn, man, you were running from that?" He shook his head. "You left her to sleep alone on a cold, dank night where mischievous fairies such as myself might just happen to wander by and whisk her away? Man, you really are dirt, aren't you? Well, letsee, how does this work again?" He took out his flower petal from where he kept it in his braid and gently brushed it against the young man's eyelids. "Okay, Scumbang, um..." he waved his hand. "You're all magicked up. I guess. I'm not quite sure how this works; Wu didn't really explain it to me, you know. So, I guess you just have to wake up now--"  
  
The boy with the one long bang shifted in his sleep, opened his eyes, and yawned.  
  
"Wait until I'm gone, you idiot!" Duo said, pushing the boy back down and covering his eyes quickly. "Geez, some people just start jumpin' the gun, never mind that if you mess this up, you answer to the _ Shinigami_... and the _ Shinigami_ is much more fond of blowing your head up than just making you love that cute chick over there." He crossed his arms and waited for the boy to drift back into sleep. "Much better--oh, shit, I'm late!" Wheeling on his foot, he fled back towards the palace. "Wu's gonna kill me!"  
  


* * *

Almost the moment he was gone, two people came crashing through the underbrush. "Wait!" the one behind called. "Heero, you're losing me again! I can't keep up! WAIT!"  
  
"Hn. _ Ninmu Kanyrou_," Heero muttered to himself, and continued to dash, barely paying attention to the scenery.  
  
Relena sighed; she was the star of the cross-country track team, and this was child's play--  
  
Until she tripped. "Damn it!" she swore, and turned back to see what she'd fallen over. "Oh, no, Trowa!" she gasped, and crawled back to him, checking for a wound. "Please, tell me Heero didn't kill you! Wake up! Wake up! Trowa, tell me you're not dead!"  
  
The boy blinked a few times to clear the sleep from his eyes and looked up at Relena. "I'm not..." he seemed to pause for a moment, and then stared, transfixed. "By God, you're beautiful."  
  
"Oh, Trowa!" she cried, grabbing onto him and holding him tightly. "I was so afraid Heero had killed you, and then Quatre would go all scary again like that time on the chicken farm and then he'd kill Heero and I'd be all alone, with only a gay guy to procreate with!"  
  
"I'll procreate with you," Trowa said.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Relena," Trowa whispered, pulling her closer, "forget about Heero. He'll never like you, never understand you... he's not like you and me, Relena."  
  
"You and me?" she repeated, confused.  
  
"We understand each other... And, Relena, I've realized... I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Trowa," Relena said awkwardly, remembering a comment Quatre had made once about Trowa's odd mood swings. "Trowa, where's Quatre?"  
  
"Forget about Quatre," Trowa whispered. "Forget about Heero... It's just you and me..." Leaning close, he covered her lips with his own.  
  
"Mm!" Relena cried in surprise, and her first reaction was to pull away. Suddenly, though, she realized: Trowa was an amazing kisser! She leaned into it, allowing Trowa to soothe the ache Heero left with his coldness... everything faded into a hazy zone of pleasure, and she found her arms creeping around his shoulders, running up his back and the sides of his chest, all over his arms. "Mm..." Her left hand rose to cup his neck, and she noticed vaguely that one of his hands was inching up her skirt, the other one having found its way up the front of her shirt a bit ago. "Oh..." she moaned as his hand reached inside her underwear and stroked her butt. "Oh, Trowa..." His hardness was pressing her, she realized giddily, and she was almost in his lap, almost straddling him; her shirt might as well have been unbuttoned, for all he was doing, and she arched her back towards him as his fingers brushed across one of her nipples. "Trowa!" she gasped, and then she froze. Her eyes flew open and she yanked herself away. "Trowa!" she gasped again, in a slightly different tone.  
  
"Is something wrong, Relena?" he asked her, confused.  
  
"You--I--you're gay!" she cried, clothes still half-on, half-off.  
  
"Not anymore."  
  
"You're in love with Quatre," she whispered.  
  
"No, I'm in love with you," he whispered back, a pleading look in his eyes. ...well, in the one visible eye, anyway.  
  
"But--but that's preposterous!" she said.  
  
"I love you Relena," he said, reaching for her again.  
  
"It's impossible," she replied, recoiling. Standing, she hurridly pulled her panties back on straight and smoothed down her skirt with one hand, the other self-consciously moving to her blouse.  
  
"No," he said, standing also.  
  
"You're--you're nothing but a fink!" she cried, taking a few steps away. "What will Quatre say? He's in love with you, you asshole!"  
  
Trowa shrugged. "Not my problem. He can have Heero. We're virtually the same."  
  
She slapped him across the face, hard, and turned to run away.  
  
"Relena, wait! Just give me a chance," he called, running after her.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You think that's funny, do you?" Quatre muttered in his sleep. "I'll show you funny, you ugly old bastard.  
  
"No!" he gasped. "No, no..." With a start, he awoke. "Trowa!" cried, panting and clutching at his heart. "Oh, Trowa, I had this horrible dream where J showed me these medical reports and I actually _was_ his son, and then G and him started taking off their clothes and making out, and..." he broke off with a frown. "Trowa? ...Trowa?"  
  
The spot where Trowa had lain, next to the tree, was empty.  
  
"Trowa? Where'd you go?" Quatre asked the night air, perplexed. "Did you have to go to the bathroom?"  
  
He waited a few moments. "You've been gone an awfully long time," he said to the forest. Alone at night, the woods suddenly felt much, much darker than before. "You know what?" he asked the empty air. "I think I'll go find Trowa."  


* * *

----- Act III

Inquiring minds (read: Cassima) want to know!

Hoooooooooooooooome page!


	3. Act III

Into the Woods, Act III by Cassima 

* * *

**III.i**  
  
"So, we all here?" Sally asked the group.  
  
There was a pause for a moment. "Who exactly is supposed to be here, anyway?" Hilde asked. "You never _did_ give us a list."  
  
"Hilde, Meiran, Dorothy, Catherine, G, and me," Sally rattled off impatiently. "The answer is yes, so we'll move on. Do we have a script?"  
  
"Yes," the group chorused.  
  
"Lines memorized?" Sally asked.  
  
"Yes," everyone said again.  
  
"Okay, let me see it." Walking over to a nearby rock, she sat down. The rest of the group nodded to each other and moved to the edges of the clearing.  
  
Clearing her throat, Dorothy stood in the middle of the clearing, hair wrapped up in a bandana. She gave Sally a pointed look. "You're supposed to make ringing noises," she finally said. At Sally's blank look, she continued, "Like a telephone?"  
  
Feeling ridiculous and a bit annoyed that she hadn't received a script ahead of time, the doctor looked to the sky and said, "Ring, ring."  
  
Using her hand to simulate talking on the phone, Dorothy fell back into character. "Hi, Ricky... Whaddya mean, you have to work late at the Copacobana? Oh, Ricky, can I sing there? ...Why not? Waaaaaaaaaaaa! You don't love me anymore!!" Dorothy paused, frowning. "Okay, fine, be that way! ...love you, too. Bye." She took her hand away from her ear ...and proceeded to wait.  
  
"Ring, ring," Sally said again, rolling her eyes, after another pointed look from Dorothy.  
  
"Hello?" Dorothy asked into the "phone".  
  
"Whaaaaa's uuuuuuuup?" a voice crowed.  
  
"Who is this?" Dorothy asked.  
  
"Do you like scary movies?"  
  
"I don't know." Dorothy pondered, looking confused. "Which ones in particular?"  
  
"The Little Mermaid?"  
  
"Heavens, no! Not Disney! Who is this?"  
  
Wearing a mask, Catherine tiptoed dramatically across the clearing, holding a knife.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Dorothy screeched.  
  
"Freeze! FBI!" Hilde yelled, rolling in from the back of the clearing and ending in a kneeling position, fingers pointed like a gun at Catherine. "Mulder, there has to be a scientific explanation for this."  
  
"Who needs science," Meiran said, somersaulting out of the trees, wearing a black mask, "when you have kung fu and Green Destiny? Science is for weaklings!"  
  
"From the depths of the night, Batman will save you!" Professor G growled, bouncing over, wearing nothing but a skintight leotard and a cape. "Don't worry, citizen! Quick, to the Batmobile!"  
  
"What?!" the rest of the actors cried, practically in unison.  
  
"Who the hell are you supposed to be?" Catherine finally asked Dorothy, pulling off her mask.  
  
"_I Love Lucy!_ Duh!" Dorothy returned. "What about you?"  
  
"Hello? Haven't you ever seen _Scream_?"  
  
"Oh, that's so stupid," Hilde said, rolling her eyes and standing.  
  
"Look who's talking," Meiran replied. "Why do you want to be Scully? Scully is weak!"  
  
"Scully is weak?!" Hilde shouted. "Scully kicks so much ass she doesn't even need fake Kung fu!"  
  
"Fake?! Don't make me Kung-fu your ass!" Meiran yelled.  
  
"You all are idiots!" Dorothy screamed. "I gave you the script you were supposed to use!"  
  
"It was stupid, so I used my own!" Hilde yelled.  
  
"Yeah, Dorothy, your writing sucks!" Catherine said. "You're almost as bad as Sally!"  
  
"Hey!" Sally bristled, "you guys didn't even read my script!"  
  
"We didn't need to read it! It was weak!" Meiran told her coldly.  
  
Practically in unison, all the girls turned to G. "And what the hell was that?"  
  
"Batman!" he said, flourishing his cape.  
  
They all stared at him.  
  
"J thinks Batman is sexy," he explained.  
  
"No! No Batman, no Lucy, no Scully, and no stupid ninjas!" Catherine declared.  
  
"Ninjas aren't stupid!"  
  
"Mulder would be alone in a desert without his cell phone and without a gun with Scully!"  
  
"Batman!"  
  
"Lucy is classic!"  
  
"This is supposed to be a wedding present for Treize! _Scary Movie_ is hardly romantic!"  
  
"Are you saying my choices are stupid?"  
  
"I'm saying you're stupid!"  
  
"I will deliver justice to your face!"  
  
"Oh, get off your stupid justice kick!"  
  
"Batman!"  
  


* * *

  
  
Duo scampered quickly through the woods. He wouldn't be late this time; he couldn't be. He knew exactly how to cheer Wufei up; it would be brilliant.  
  
While passing through a part of the woods where the moon almost broke through the top cover of the trees, Duo paused at the sound of a _hell_ of a lot of yelling. Natural curiosity taking the best of him, he found himself at the edge of the clearing, staring in at a group of young women in the middle of a quickly-turning-violent catfight.  
  
And then, the woman with the long blond Zechs-like hair and the exaggerated General Treize-like eyebrows moved to hit the girl that sort of looked like Wufei--though Duo was sure the king would deny it if asked--and he saw the old man standing there in the group. His heart quickly grew cold, and he clenched the tree he was leaning against, breaking the bark slightly with his fingers.  
  
It was Him. With that long, pointed nose and that nasty mushroom cut, he was unmistakable; Duo smothered the shiver that threatened, mentally berating himself for being so weak. It was a lifetime ago that it happened, but it still haunted his dreams sometimes; those dreams were the worst, because they made him remember that he was different from the other fairies, that he was only part of their hierarchy because a dying spirit had taken pity on a poor young mortal boy trapped in a hellish life by an uncle who never wanted him.  
  
He stared at G. He couldn't believe the old geezer hadn't kicked it yet.  
  
"Well," he said to himself, "you're not just a little child anymore. _ Shinigami_ chose you, guarded you, unlocked your power. You're Duo Maxwell, most prominent trickster in the forest, and a clever, manipulative bastard. It's payback time."  
  
Summoning a wisp of magic, he pulled the old man out of the group and over to him. "Oo, I smell the Batsignal," G mumbled, staring at the sky and walking over to Duo.  
  
"I bet you do," Duo snickered, falling into his comfortable lighthearted joker role. "And I have just the place for you." With the help of a little more magic, he very carefully worked a small metamorphosis spell. "Wow, showing your true colors already, G?" he asked cheerfully.  
  
"Hee-HAW!" G barked, and stumbled back over to the women.  
  
"You're going the wrong way," Duo called to him impatiently.  
  
The women's argument suddenly ceased. Then, there was a scream. "IT'S A DEMON!" And they scattered.  
  
"No," Duo said crossly to the fleeing actors, "the _ Shinigami_ is a demon. This guy's just a moron with the head of an ass--though it was supposed to be an ass like 'butt ass', stupid spell--who's goin' the wrong way!" Walking over through the suddenly vacated clearing to the confused-looking transformed G, he grabbed one of the creature's large ears and began to walk. "This way! Trust me, good times for all!"  
  
They quickly arrived in Zechs' bower, and Duo took his foot and shoved the scientist over towards the Ex-Queen of Fairies. "Go on, time to wake up Sleeping Zechsy."  
  
With a loud bray of surprise, G landed on top of the blond.  
  
"Wha--?" Zechs yelped, waking up with a start. Finding an old man with a donkey's head lying on top of him, he blinked. "...You're gorgeous!"  
  
"Me-haw?" G asked, and took a good look at the young man he was lying on.  
  
"Oh, you sexy mortal..." Zechs moaned, and dragged his hands up over G's old, wrinkly body. "I want you!"  
  
"Can I be Batman?" G asked through his strange new mouth.  
  
"I'll be Robin to your Batman any day!" Zechs said, and kissed his donkey lips. "This means, of course, that you get to drive the Batmobile... just climb in and fiddle with the gear stick for a while. You'll get a feel for it."  
  
Duo's eyes bugged a little. "Zechs uses cheesy car metaphors in bed? Oh, Wu... no wonder you guys broke up."  
  
"Oh, put your key in the ignition and start me up!" Zechs grunted.  
  
"This is classic!" Duo cackled evilly from his hiding spot. "What would Wu-chan say? 'Justice!'"  
  


* * *

  
  
"Duo, you're late."  
  
Duo shrugged and grinned; Wufei actually used his first name! He must be having a good day. "Aw, Wu-chan, you love me anyway."  
  
"Hn," Wufei grumbled at the nickname, but chose to ignore it for the moment. "So, I found both a porcupine and a skunk for Zechs, but I was wondering if there was a way to perhaps make them into one animal for a while."  
  
Duo grinned evilly. "Don't worry about that, Wu! I got something really good--" He broke off suddenly as two people noisily made their way into the clearing, mid-argument.  
  
"This is the mortal I told you about," Wufei told Duo. "Did you cast the spell?"  
  
"This is the woman, but not the guy," Duo said back, and squinted at the blond. "Actually, I'm not sure that's a chick, either..."  
  
"Look, Quatre, all I'm trying to say is that Trowa's no good for you. I love you, Quatre. I need you."  
  
"Try saying that again with some emotion," Quatre said. "But this isn't the point, remember?"  
  
"Quatre, I'll die without you."  
  
"Don't you dare threaten me, Heero Yuy! Now I want some answers! We've been wandering around this forest, and you keep telling me that you saw Trowa 'over that way', and I keep going 'over that way', and I'm about ready to kill you myself. What did you do with Trowa?"  
  
"I want doves at our wedding," Heero said dreamily.  
  
"You've killed him, haven't you?" Quatre yelled. "You murderer! You--you're nothing like Trowa!"  
  
"What are you talking about? We're exactly the same!" Heero stepped closer to the blond boy. "Quatre, I'm gay and I love you."  
  
Quatre buried his face in his hands. "Please, Allah, tell me this isn't happening to me. Tell me this is just a bad dream."  
  
"But, back to the doves--"  
  
"No!" the blond snapped. "No doves, no wedding, no sex, Heero! I don't want you, I don't need you, I don't love you. I never have, I never will. Just go back home and forget me--screw Relena or something, I don't care."  
  
"Stop denying your feelings, Quatre, and just let me love you!"  
  
Quatre's eyes suddenly changed, and the boy looked a lot colder, and awfully dangerous. Heero picked up on the wild look in his eye, and wisely stepped back.  
  
"I am leaving," Quatre said. "You will not follow, or I will pluck out your eyes and replace them with your balls." And then, he smiled sweetly and began to pick his way through the forest again, calling, "TROWA! TRO-WA!"  
  
Heero gulped visibly and inconspicuously adjusted his spandex. "I'll just wait here, then... maybe take a quick nap." Laying down on the ground, he closed his eyes.  
  
"Maxwell! What have you done now!?"  
  
Duo rolled his eyes. "First 'Duo', now 'Maxwell'? There really is no justice..."  
  
"Quit fooling around, Maxwell!" the King snapped, and smacked him over the head, and Duo realized quite immediately that Wufei was really quite angry. "I gave you a very simple instruction, and did you follow it?"  
  
"I already ironed your pants!" Duo cried, indignant. "Even though it's so not my job. Also, that burn was there before I started!"  
  
Wufei rolled his eyes. "This clowning around will only annoy me more. I told you to put the pollen of that flower onto the eyes of the guy wearing tight clothes with pointy bangs."  
  
"Everything's so dark!" a woman's voice called out quietly. "I can barely see my hand in front of my face."  
  
"Relena, just let me love you! Please!"  
  
"Trowa, go away," the woman told him. "I've got to find Heero!"  
  
Duo gave him an incredulous look, and gestured to the pair of mortals wandering off. "Tight clothes!" he cried, indicating to the turtleneck on the retreating back of the boy. "Pointy bangs!"  
  
"That," Wufei sputtered, "Is a pointy _bang_. _He_," he pointed to the boy sleeping on the ground, "has pointy bang_s_."  
  
"Oh, for the love of--"  
  
"Fix it, Maxwell," Wufei said sternly. "I have a sword to retrieve!" With that, he stalked off, leaving Duo alone with the sleeping mortals, fuming. Or, at least, started to.  
  
"Fuck you, Chang," Duo yelled, good nature finally sapped dry. "I did what you asked me to, alright? You can't just blame this on me. It's not like I didn't try--I always try, okay? Do I ever hear a 'Thank you, Duo', or a 'Nice to have you here, Duo,' or even the use of my fucking name every once in a while? You're my friend, Chang, that's why I do this for you."  
  
"I'm your king," Wufei reminded him, though taken aback.  
  
Duo began to answer, and finally just shut his eyes, running a hand over his bangs. "I guess you are," he muttered. "I don't know why I expected anything different." He turned away and toyed with the tail of his braid. "Look, I'll fix my little mess here and meet you later."  
  
"Duo, what's wrong?" Wufei asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder.   
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Something happened." Carefully, Wufei turned his friend around. "Duo, you know I'm here for you. If you need me."  
  
"I saw G." The words came out in a rushed whisper, and Duo hugged himself, staring at the ground.  
  
"What?" Wufei reached out to Duo and pulled him close. "Oh, Duo, I'm sorry. I didn't realize..." Wufei was the only one who knew the truth of Duo's origins: mortality. Normal fairies sprung from the elements and lived to guard the spirits: the trees, rocks, and other wildlife. Every once in a while though, a dying spirit would give its life to a mortal, and unleash the potential in the creature of the magical, otherworldly abilities.  
  
_Shinigami_, the oldest and most reclusive spirit in the forest, had, for the first time in centuries, taken pity on a traumatized mortal: one orphan Duo Maxwell.  
  
Duo didn't want to accept Wufei's comfort anymore; it was hard enough to have roots in mortality, but that Wufei--_Wufei_, of all people!--pitied him... it made him so very frustrated. "I'm not weak," he said, shrugging off the offered comfort.  
  
"I know," Wufei responded. "I never said you were."  
  
"You say I'm stupid. It's the same thing."  
  
He winced. "I don't mean it. I call everyone stupid."  
  
"I try my best," Duo said, and his voice caught. "I try my best, and it's never enough!" His arms were wrapped around himself tightly, as if he thought the pain could be contained; Wufei could see his fists clench the material of his shirt.  
  
"Duo--" Wufei looked at his friend and felt his heart twist. "I-I'm sorry."  
  
With a choked noise, Duo twisted and threw himself at Wufei. At first, the fairy king thought Duo was going to hit him, but as Duo's fingers wound themselves into his shirt, he discovered that Duo was just--just holding him tightly.  
  
"I'm sorry," Wufei repeated helplessly. "I forget sometimes that you weren't always a fairy, and that you're still adjusting and figuring things out. You're so powerful, I forget sometimes... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."  
  
Duo hiccoughed finally and laid his head down on Wufei's shoulder. "It's okay, Wu. I know you've been having a rough time w-with Zechs lately; it's not your fault."  
  
Wufei shivered a little at the feeling of Duo's warm breath against his throat, and tried to focus on something else. "I don't want to forget you."  
  
"You won't." They stood there like that for another moment before Duo finally pulled away a little. "Thanks. I needed that."  
  
"So did I." Wufei was a little surprised to find that it was the truth. He felt his face light up in an answering smile to Duo's before he consciously decided to it. "We need to fix these. I'll put the spell on this one if you go and fetch the woman." When Duo finally broke their embrace, Wufei felt the coolness of the night even more strongly where Duo's arms once were.  
  
"I'll be back shortly." With a quiet wink, uncharacteristic for Duo only in its gentle, subdued feel, the fairy slipped away into the night, following the path Relena and Trowa had followed.  
  
Wufei felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment; he wondered, briefly, if there might have been a spell on him. It would explain the strange way his throat had seized up, and how he suddenly felt the urge to kick himself.  
  
He turned his attention to the mortal before him. The young man on the ground was actually slightly attractive, if one squinted their eyes and ignored the coldness that hung about his face, even in sleep. Wufei shrugged, and stooped down to brush the pollen of the flower over the boy's eyes. Who knew what these mortals found attractive?  
  
Wufei wondered if Duo found the boy attractive. Duo had been mortal once; maybe he could explain the power behind this mortal.  
  
Wufei wondered if Duo found him attractive.  
  
He cleared his throat to rid himself of the sudden tension in his vocal cords.  
_ "Roses are red,  
Violets are blue.  
The first thing you see  
You'll be smitten to."_  
  
As he tucked the flower back in the safety of the bag he'd been keeping it in, he wondered who had written that awful verse.  
  
"Well, I've got 'em," Duo said unnecessarily as he entered the clearing, tailed by the two oblivious mortals from earlier. He looked better, Wufei noted, now that he'd had some time to pull himself back together. "She's starting to bug the crap out of me, actually."  
  
"And, furthermore, Trowa," the girl's shrill voice said firmly, "I don't appreciate you taking advantage of me in my time of distress. Heero dumps me, and all you can think of is that--that thing inside your pants!"  
  
"You didn't seem to mind it so much earlier, Relena." Trowa sent her a suggestive glance that raked over her body and grabbed her arm to halt her furious pacing.  
  
Relena put a hand on her hips in frustration. "You're missing the point!"  
  
"I want lions at our wedding," Trowa said blissfully.  
  
"No!" Relena stamped her foot. "Are you even listening to anything I say?"  
  
"It'll be doves," Heero said blissfully as he woke. "Doves for me and--Relena?"  
  
"Heero!" Relena cried, and pulled out of Trowa's grasp. Falling to her knees by his side, she put a hand to his face. "Are you alright? What are you doing on the ground? Are you hurt? Did you eat some of those red berries? Were you mauled by a wild animal?"  
  
"My god, you're beautiful," Heero murmured.  
  
"Yuy!" Trowa called, noticing him only as Relena did. "Good news. You can have Quatre. I don't want him anymore."  
  
"Quatre?" Heero blinked and sat up, tearing his eyes away from Relena and her cleavage to send a bewildered look at Trowa. "Why would I want Quatre?"  
  
"Don't worry about Relena," Trowa said, and put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll take care of her. I'll make sure she's safe, and fed, and happy."  
  
"You know, you've been talking a lot tonight," Relena said, turning to Trowa. "Are you drunk?"  
  
"I don't drink Corona," Trowa told them. "It's vile."  
  
Relena and Heero exchanged a confused glance.  
  
"But, Heero, I just want you to know that Relena and I will stay out of your hair." Trowa massaged Relena's shoulder, his thumb brushing the nape of her neck. "I'll make her happy."  
  
"No, I'll make her happy," Heero said, standing and glaring.  
  
Duo shivered and turned to Wufei. "Wu, he's scary."  
  
Wufei had to agree.  
  
"No, I'll make her happy." Trowa stared back impassively.  
  
The two boys stared at each other.  
  
"Um, boys?" Relena asked, looking back and forth between them. "What's going on?"  
  
Neither answered.  
  
"I think they're having a _ch__i_ fight," Wufei told Duo in an undertone, moving closer to his friend.  
  
"I think they're gonna kiss," Duo returned.  
  
Wufei started to disagree, but paused. The two _were_ standing rather close, and there was a definite sexual overtone to the _chi_ fight. "Maybe Heero saw both of them at the same time."  
  
Duo grinned. "Can we play with this flower crap tomorrow night, too? This is fun!"  
  
Wufei felt no remorse about the glare he sent Duo.  
  
Duo winked and opened his mouth to say something, but a noise from Relena pulled their attention back to the scene unfolding before them.  
  
"Stop it!" She was pulling unsuccessfully at Trowa's shoulders, trying to keep the two warring men apart.  
  
"What if we share?" Heero suggested finally, breaking their silence.  
  
"I think that may work," Trowa responded, reaching out a hand.  
  
Heero clasped it firmly, and they both turned to Relena.  
  
"Please stop fighting," she told them. "Don't fight on my behalf!"  
  
"We aren't going to fight anymore," Heero told her, letting go of Trowa's hand and capturing hers. He stood before her, eyes practically glowing.  
  
"Thank goodne--" She was cut off by her own gasp as she felt a warm pair of lips nuzzle the back of her neck. "Trowa?" Her voice was a whimper.  
  
"Sh," Heero said, a strange smile on his face. "Don't think."  
  
He looked kind of sinister, smiling like that, Wufei reflected. Heero leaned forward and captured her mouth before she could ask the question that was obviously on the tip of her tongue, and Wufei self consciously toyed with his shirt sleeve, feeling a little self-conscious.  
  
Duo next to him squirmed a bit. "This is odd."  
  
"Oh, my--" Relena moaned as Trowa moved her hair in order to nibble at her ear. Wufei felt himself turning a little red as Trowa's hands moved into her shirt while Heero slipped his hands into her skirt. He could see the outline of Trowa's hands cupping her breasts through her shirt, and hastily averted his eyes as Heero did something under her skirt and she moaned loudly, rocking between them. "Heero," she gasped, and undulated again between the two obviously aroused men. "Oh, Trowa..."  
  
"Shouldn't--" Wufei cleared his throat, trying to bring the pitch of his voice back town to its normal level. "Shouldn't you be fetching that other boy?" he asked Duo, silently cursing the hoarseness of his voice.  
  
"Why, Wufei, I never would've pegged you for a voyeur," Duo responded, his voice similarly hoarse despite the light words.  
  
Wufei found his eyes being drawn back to the trio of mortals. Trowa was in the process of skillfully peeling back the blouse his hands had already memorized the skin under, and Heero was down on his knees in front of her, tugging down her skirt and dipping his tongue in her belly button in the process of progressing lower. "Maxwell--"  
  
"Nah, he was headed back this way, anyway." Duo shifted again, moving a little closer to Wufei and a little farther from the threesome as Trowa thrust against Relena's back, craning his head to work his lips around the curve of her jaw line. Relena turned her head to meet Trowa's lips with startling energy as Heero began to tongue Relena in a place Wufei hadn't been since he met Zechs.  
  
Wufei felt embarrassingly, achingly hard as one of Heero's hands moved, first to Relena's hips, and then back to pull Trowa's in, the other hand stroking something hidden by his head.  
  
"Oh!" Relena gasped, spreading her legs wider and thrusting her hips, first towards Heero and then back against Trowa. Her skirt was down about one ankle, as well as her underwear, and her shirt hung wide open. Trowa's hands twisted her nipples. "Trowa! Heero!"  
  
Wufei felt Duo's gaze on him, and looked over to where the other fairy stood, close enough to touch. Lips parted, he stared at Duo's flushed face, admiring the beautiful eyes and rich mouth that seemed to hang halfway open, as if in invitation. "Duo," he whispered, a hand reaching out to hold his friend's as Duo's lifted to meet him.  
  
"Trowa Barton, what in the name of Allah are you doing?!?"  
  
The voice, dripping with chill, brought everyone in the clearing out of whatever spell they'd been in. Wufei felt strangely disappointed when Duo took a step away and looked back towards the clearing.  
  
Trowa sighed and brushed another kiss over Relena's collarbone before Relena squealed, pulled away from the two men, and tugged her shirt closed and her skirt back on in a movement so quick that Heero barely realized what had happened.  
  
"Quatre!" she yelped. "Something strange is going on!"  
  
"Yes," he said, his voice suddenly strangely calm. "You were having sex with two gay men."  
  
"They seduced me!"  
  
"We're not gay," Heero and Trowa said in unison, glaring at Quatre.  
  
"You've both declared undying love for me, and I'm a man! You're men, I'm a man, we're men! You're gay! Trowa--" Quatre turned to Trowa with a confused look. "Trowa, I thought you loved me!"  
  
"I love Relena!" Trowa told Quatre before looking at Heero. "We both do!"  
  
"It was almost like consensual rape!" Relena cried, blushing as her hand smoothed down her shirt, traveling across her stomach towards her crotch.  
  
Quatre whirled on Relena. "I said you could have one of them! One! I can't believe you took both!"  
  
"This is some kind of joke," Relena said. "Nobody likes me! You're all just messing with my head." Wufei noticed that she didn't seem to be too adverse to the idea of continuing the head-messing. "Or, maybe I'm just asleep."  
  
"You can have Heero, but at least leave me Trowa!"  
  
"No! Relena's ours!"  
  
"Boys!" Relena said desperately, still trying to straighten her clothing. "Two of you is way more than I can handle, and what about poor Quatre?"  
  
"'Poor Quatre'?" Quatre's eyes seemed to flash strange colors. "I will destroy you!"  
  
"I'll protect you!" Heero and Trowa yelped, both moving to restrain Quatre.  
  
"I think," Wufei told Duo, "that you better fix this soon before that blond boy's eye twitches right out of his head."  
  
"If we get rid of him, you think those three'll go at it again?"  
  
"Maxwell!"  
  
"Right, right."  
  
Before he could move, though, Quatre broke free from Heero and Trowa's restraining grips--the boy was stronger than he looked, Wufei mused--and lunged at Relena, who shrieked quickly and fled off into the trees, pursued closely by Quatre. The blond boy appeared to be foaming at the mouth. The other two boys exchanged a heated glance before following.  
  
Duo laughed suddenly. "This is better than any of the soaps I've ever seen!"  
  
Wufei found himself chuckling; Duo's laughter was contagious. "Come on, let's fix these silly mortals."  
  
"Wait, Wu-chan?"  
  
"Yes, Maxwell?"  
  
"They have to be asleep before we can use the flower to make Trowa fall back in love with Quatre, right?"  
  
Wufei nodded. "Yes."  
  
"Well, then... why don't we just let them tire themselves out?" He winked. "I think they could all use a good group orgy."  
  
Wufei growled through his blush, but didn't argue with Duo's laziness. It crossed his mind to wonder exactly which one of them was the king of the fairies and which was just a servant, but it was always easier to just go with what Duo wanted rather than make a fuss. He found himself wondering what Duo was thinking when the three mortals had been engaging in pleasant body contact, and what Duo would have done to him if Wufei'd allowed him to brush the pollen of the flower across his eyes, like he had jokingly tried to do earlier. Then he remembered Zechs, and thought that it might actually be nice to exact some of the revenge he'd gone out to get. Well, they'd finish up with these mortals first and then he'd go distract himself from Duo by thinking of Zechs.  
  
Yep, that killed his erection. He wondered what Duo had surprised Zechs with, anyway.

* * *

----- Act IV

Here I am!

Back to Mr. Index


	4. Act IV

Into the Woods, Act IV by Cassima 

* * *

**IV.i**  
  
Zechs purred happily as G snuggled up to him. "That," he murmured, "was quite delicious, dear heart of mine."  
  
"You're awfully talkative in the sack," G grumbled, but let his fingers play over the taut muscles of Zech's chest. "I always told J I still had it."  
  
"Babe, you've got it and then some." Zechs nuzzled the furry neck. "I love your ears... and your eyes... and your large donkey head... it turns me on." He grinned and licked the large nose.  
  
"No more," G groaned, pushing Zechs head away. "You young people are all alike: too full of hormones! I remember, when my nephew was still alive, it was always hormones! I never wanted children; he was my sister's brat, before she died. He was always so damned careless... made me want to smack him."  
  
"Want to play with my parking brake some more to help you forget about your nasty life as a mortal?"  
  
"Maybe later," G told him with a yawn. "I have to sleep. Sex fiend." It quite clearly was not a compliment, but Zechs chose to take it in a positive light. "Always for you, babe," he said. Soon, they were snoring.  
  
Loudly.  
  


* * *

  
  
Wufei shook his head. Zechs was so weak--trapped by such an ugly old creature! Duo really had outdone himself this time; this ugly old man with the head of a donkey--Wufei really wasn't sure what had possessed Duo to give him the head of a donkey, but it seemed strangely fitting.  
  
And, was the old man wearing a Batman costume?  
  
He rolled his eyes and shrugged before carefully slipping over to Zechs' bedside and administering the antidote.  
  
As Wufei examined the sleeper, he remembered that Zechs was beautiful. Somehow, during this crazy war they'd been waging against one another, all for a stupid sword, he'd forgotten that. He'd forgotten Zechs' good points: his sexy nature, his dry sense of humor, and his inherent goodness. Wufei smiled slightly to himself. They'd had some good times, before the relationship had soured. They had been a good match.  
  
Lowering a gentle hand, he shook the man awake, allowing the corners of his mouth the chance to curl up as Zechs blinked sleepily. Zechs always looked charming when he first awoke.  
  
"Wufei." Zechs smiled at him. "It's nice to see you."  
  
"Yes," Wufei murmured back.  
  
"You look well," Zechs said. "How has life been treating you?"  
  
Wufei laughed a little, feeling warm. "Duo's mischief has been keeping me busy, as always... but I find it strangely enjoyable."  
  
"Duo has a knack for trouble," Zechs said, chuckling as well. "I think it stems from his humanity. Humans do seem to find themselves in the most interesting predicaments."  
  
"Human life is an interesting thing, but desire seems to keep them trapped."  
  
"You know," Zechs said, laughing again, "I always thought Duo had a thing for you."  
  
"Me?" Wufei said, no longer laughing.  
  
"You're the only one who never noticed," Zechs said, reaching out to brush away a stray strand of Wufei's hair. "The child hardly even sits still for anyone else. You're the only one who's ever had a real conversation with him."  
  
"We're just friends, is all." Wufei shifted uncomfortably from his seat on Zechs' bed. He'd thought about Duo like this before, but never discussed Duo with Zechs.  
  
"I was always jealous," Zechs said, still chuckling to himself. "You always looked so happy when Duo was around."  
  
Wufei didn't know what to say. "It wasn't you," he said uncomfortably.  
  
"It wasn't about me," Zechs said, stretching a little in bed. "I suppose that was the problem." He yawned. "But, he's your problem now. I don't know what I'd do with an ex-mortal in love with me. There's just this stench that clings to mortality, you know?" Actually, Wufei had never noticed. "It'd just be strange."  
  
"Hn," was all Wufei could think to say.  
  
Zechs didn't seem to notice the other's sudden stiffness. "I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was in love with a mortal."  
  
"Really?" Wufei lifted an eyebrow and struggled to keep a smirk off his face.  
  
"And, get this--he had this great big ugly donkey's head!" Zechs laughed and shook his head. "Me, in love with a _human_ with an ass' head. I think it was the cod I had for dinner last night. That was a recipe Noin _won't_ be making again."  
  
Wufei nodded, but his response was interrupted by a loud snore.  
  
Zechs froze and turned to look over at his side. G nuzzled his arm again sleepily and gave another rattling snore.  
  
Zechs sprang back out of the bed and into a nearby tree, his blue eyes open wider than Wufei had ever seen. Finding his pillow suddenly gone, the naked man rolled his old, wrinkly body over and fell gracelessly into a heap on the ground. Wufei waited for him to wake, but the only sound was another loud snore that rattled the nostrils of the mortal. It sounded almost painful.  
  
"I think you should give me the sword," Wufei said mildly, looking up at the nude fairy clinging to the tree branch.  
  
"So, you concede the feud?" Zechs said. "I knew you'd want to get back together."  
  
"No." Wufei stood and removed a large manila envelope from his pocket, tossing it haphazardly on the bed before he turned to leave. "We got pictures."  
  
As he left the clearing, he could hear Zechs scramble down from the tree and rip open the envelope, chanting, "No, no, no, no, no," the entire time.  
  
Now that his back was to his ex, Wufei allowed himself to smirk. The one-hour photo shop had produced some wonderfully vivid images, and Duo always remembered to order in triplicate and keep the negatives.  
  
He had the feeling it was going to be a good year.  
  


* * *

  
  
The group of amorous travelers also found themselves rising with the dawn. The group blinked sleepily at each other; the activities of the previous night, wonderful as they were, had left them fairly exhausted.  
  
"Heero, we're naked," Relena told the man she was cuddled up to. His response was to blink once and turn his gaze over to Trowa and Quatre, who were in a much--well, much less appropriate position. It appeared, however, that they'd had fun last night. Relena whistled teasingly as Quatre licked his lips, looking quite satisfied with himself, and Trowa turned an interesting shade of red.  
  
"We, um, also seem to be lacking clothes," Trowa muttered, and paused in his embarrassment long enough to brush a hand over Quatre's cheek, marveling at its beauty. They finally turned to find--  
  
the entire Oz army, led by Treize and Une, staring at them.  
  
"What on earth is going on here?"  
  
The booming voice woke them from their sleepy states fairly quickly, to their dismay.  
  
"Uh--" was all anyone could think to say.  
  
"I like lions!" Trowa finally burst out, and buried his head in his hands, too embarrassed at his lack of eloquence to say anything else.  
  
"He has deflowered my Quatre!" J broke out in a rising wail. "This _ Nanashi_ has stolen the virtue of my boy, and now he'll be shamed forever!"  
  
"I'm not quite sure that's the way it works," Treize said, recovering rather gracefully from his surprise. "I mean, he's a boy... I don't think virtue really counts that much in men."  
  
"Poppycock!" J wailed.  
  
Une coughed. "Well, I guess this just means we're going to have a triple wedding today!"  
  
"Today?" Treize said in surprise. "But--but our wedding isn't for another two days!"  
  
"Oh, we'll rush it," Une said gaily. "I can't wait to marry you, Treize... you're just so thoughtful and kind."  
  
Treize reflected breifly, and a three thoughts lay prominent in his mind: he really wanted that duel, Quatre really _was_ a man under that delicate exterior--check out those hidden pecs!--and Une was being perfectly charming again. He would never understand women. Resigning himself to the loss of Quatre's duel and the loss of a tastefully-done wedding, he turned to his guards. "Get them some clothing."  
  
The soldiers looked at each other. "We didn't bring any extras with us, General," one of them finally said.  
  
"Then start stripping, men," Treize said, and turned away. There were a few of his men that wanted to work on their tan, anyway.  
  
"Oh, Heero, we're getting married! Isn't that wonderful?" Relena clasped Heero's arm and smiled brilliantly at him.  
  
He swallowed, wondering what he'd gotten himself into. "Will there be doves?"  
  
"But Quatre can't marry _Nanashi_!" J whined. "I forbid it!"  
  
"I had the birth records checked," Treize said. "You're not his father. In fact, you're not a father at all."  
  
"I am too!"  
  
"Have you even ever slept with a woman?"  
  
J snorted dismissively. "Schematics."  
  
"Is he always like this?" Treize asked Une quietly.  
  
"G's been gone all night," Une explained. "He's just concerned. You know how those mad scientists are about their sleeping habits."  
  
Actually, Treize didn't know, didn't want to know, and didn't even want to think about it. The thought of the two men having sex, their naked, wrinkly old-people bodies writhing together in a fit of passion as J reached for the oxygen tank and G struggled so he didn't throw his hip out of--  
  
He cleared his throat. "Let's go back to the palace and have the party."  
  
"Sounds good," Trowa said, slipping into the jacket one of the soldiers had offered. "What are you doing out here at this time of the day, anyway? And with the entire army?"  
  
"We had a few days before the wedding," Treize said with a shrug. "We thought we'd go take over Sanq."  
  
"Ah," Trowa said, but Treize suspected him of responding more to Quatre's straying hands than the conversation at hand.  
  


* * *

  
  
G woke suddenly with the dawning of the sun. Picking himself off the ground, he frowned. "What a strange dream," he said to himself. Looking down, he frowned. "Where are my clothes?"  
  
Looking around, he finally reached a sad conclusion: "I seem to be quite naked. J's going to be furious that I lost the Bat-cape."  
  


  
** IV.ii**  
  
"Hey, everyone, I see G!" Hilde waved out the window.  
  
"Shit," Meiran groaned.  
  
"Can't we just kick him out of the group?" Catherine moaned. "He really doesn't add anything."  
  
"There are a few other people that don't add anything, either," Dorothy whispered to Sally with a pointed look at Catherine, who was sitting right next to her and heard every word. Quite calmly, Catherine picked up the cheese omelet she was eating and smashed it into Dorothy's face.  
  
"What was that for?" Dorothy sputtered, and dumped her bowl of oatmeal on Catherine's head.  
  
"Justice," Meiran grunted.  
  
"Why is G wearing a barrel?" Hilde wondered.  
  
"I can't believe I signed up for this," Sally said with a sigh, and ducked out the back door as a furious food fight sprung up between Catherine and Dorothy.  
  
"He better not parade his disgusting naked flesh around here," Meiran said, and calmly bounced a grape off of Dorothy's head after a stray peanut hit her smack in the nose.  
  
"Strange," Hilde commented, still staring out the window. "Somehow, he looks a little hairier than before."

* * *

-----Act V

Cassima wants a cookie.

The Index is your friend.


	5. Act V

Into the Woods, Act V by Cassima 

* * *

**V.i**  
  
They lounged about the room in pairs, each snuggling with his or her new spouse. It was decorated lushly, almost like a very large living room, with thick, fluffy carpet covering the floor and large bay windows off to one side. Treize and Une sat in chairs, side by side, keeping their hands mainly to themselves in an effort to remain dignified in front of the others--who were paying remarkably little attention to him, Treize observed. Heero and Relena had a couch to themselves, and seemed content enough to stare at the fire crackling in the fireplace and sip champagne--though Treize did notice Heero sneaking sultry glances at Trowa every once in a while. Trowa returned them with similar subtlety from his spot next to Quatre on the floor, at the foot of another couch. The General wondered briefly why they didn't just sit on the couch, but he figured it was something he really didn't need to know, and let himself be content with admiring the softness in Une's eyes. It was rather amazing the difference between the Lady and the Colonel, and, while each had her uses, he was infinitely happier that it was the Lady sitting next to him at the moment.  
  
Treize had had to do some last minute tweaking to the laws after it had been discovered that legal weddings were limited to opposite-gender couples only, but he figured it was his country now, and he could do damn well whatever he wanted with it, thank you very much.  
  
"I think," Une said to him quietly, "those young people were chewing or smoking one of those special weeds Sally prescribed for my headaches. Their story just doesn't make any sense."  
  
Treize shrugged. "At least their story drowned out more of J's whimpering and moaning."  
  
J sat over by the door, still grouchily waiting around for his errant lover.  
  
Treize tried not to think about it.  
  
Giggling emanating from the vicinity of Trowa and Quatre caused Treize to send a pointed look to his Chief of Entertainment--_Bring in the evening's festivities NOW before the actual sex started, please_--and he cleared his throat. "Hand check."  
  
Everyone raised two hands--except Quatre, who only raised one.  
  
The rest of the people in the room looked at him pointedly.  
  
"What?" Quatre asked.  
  
"That defeats the purpose of a hand check, Quatre," Relena said, eyebrows high on her forehead.  
  
Quatre turned an interesting shade of red and put up his other hand. "Honestly! It wasn't anyplace it shouldn't have been!"  
  
Heero lifted an amused eyebrow.  
  
"You all have dirty minds!" Quatre insisted, crossing his arms indignantly.  
  
Treize had a few ideas where that hand could have been. He knew what those boys were going to be doing later, back in the bedroom: they'd be naked, glistening with sweat, young bodies sliding together in a rhythm of lust and--  
  
"Don't worry about it, dear," Une told him, her hand reaching out to hold Treize's. She was smiling sweetly, but the warning fingernails digging into the General's palm let him know she was all too aware of what was going on in his mind. And how he had no intention of stopping.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen," the Chief of Entertainment announced. "And Heero." He sent a quick cool look flickering towards Relena and her husband; Treize was suddenly reminded of the rumors that once hinted at a relationship between the two men, and made a mental note to give the man some time off.  
  
Yuy glared at him. Quatre coughed, trying to cover up laughter, while Treize was surprised to find Une doing the same. Trowa and Relena maintained their dignified expressions--well, actually, Trowa's was more of his usual blank look than a "dignified expression", but Treize let it pass without analyzing.  
  
"Tonight's entertainment consists of a play, written and preformed for the occasion of the wedding of our most high General Treize and his bride, Colonel Une!"  
  
Treize nodded as the actors assembled across the floor. "Please begin."  
  
Sally, dressed in a toga, walked forward to the edge of the rug they had designated as the stage. "Greetings, lords and ladies." The "and Heero" was unspoken, but definitely implied as she leveled a look at him. Treize frowned, remembering the rumors about Heero and Sally.  
  
Actually, most of the rumors in the palace were about Heero in some way or another.  
  
Sally continued before Treize could further muse about this new revelation. "I bring you a tale of woe tonight, of mystery and deceit. I bring you--" she paused dramatically, "--the tale of Julius Caesar." Sally moved aside to the corner of the stage, looking graceful and elegant.  
  
Treize's hopes for a similarly graceful and elegant plot fell through, however, as Dorothy and Hilde walked onto the stage, also dressed in togas.  
  
"Okay, so you called a super-extra-secret meeting?" Hilde asked once they'd reached the middle of the rug. She looked at the other girl expectantly.  
  
"I called it," Dorothy said, eyebrows twitching. Treize grimaced. Someone should really teach that girl how to pluck. "We have to do something about Caesar."  
  
"Oh, I agree," Hilde agreed. "We should do something. Should we bake him a fruitcake?"  
  
"I was thinking something a little more insidious," Dorothy said.  
  
"More insidious than fruitcake?" Hilde asked. "That's really insidious."  
  
Dorothy nodded. "I think he should be killed."  
  
"We're going to kill Caesar?" Hilde looked at her, wide-eyed.  
  
"No, _you're_ going to kill Caesar," Dorothy replied.  
  
"Me? What's wrong with you?!"  
  
Dorothy sniffed. "I'm Roman. I don't get my hands dirty. Besides, you're a natural killer."  
  
"I'm not killing Caesar," Hilde said. "You want him gone, do it your own bloody self."  
  
"No, you do it," Dorothy said.  
  
"No, you do it."  
  
"No, you do it."  
  
"You're the one who wants him dead!" Hilde folded her arms and stared at Dorothy spitefully.  
  
"You want him dead, too!" Dorothy cried, and pulled out a plastic knife. "He's both our problem!"  
  
"You want him dead, you do it yourself."  
  
"Shh! Here he comes!" Dorothy cried, and thrust the plastic knife into Hilde's hand, pushing her forwards.  
  
Hilde skidded towards G as he stepped onto the stage, also wearing a toga. G smiled and waved at the two girls, looking surprised as Hilde flailed her arms and ended up impaling G under his armpit, ripping the knife back out before he had a chance to speak. G threw a handful of red confetti at the audience as he dramatically fell to the floor, letting the small pieces of paper symbolize the blood being spilt.  
  
Treize marveled at the girls' ability to kill G's character off before he'd had a chance to become creepy--before he'd even gotten a line out!  
  
"Oh, good, he's finally dead," Dorothy said, walking over next to them to look. "We can finally have a good governmen--hey! This isn't Caesar!"  
  
"Huh?" Hilde asked.  
  
"This isn't Caesar! You idiot! You killed Kenny!" She lifted G's head by the hair and gestured angrily to his face. "How could you mistake Kenny for Caesar? They don't look anything alike! You idiot!"  
  
"Oh, don't try to blame this on me!" Hilde cried. "It's your fault!"  
  
"It doesn't matter. We've got to make sure we kill Caesar next time."  
  
"What's with this 'we', _Kemosabe_?" Hilde shook her head and gave the knife a dirty look. "I'm not doing any more of your dirty work. You can get your own lily Roman hands bloody!"  
  
Whatever Dorothy was about to retaliate with was cut off by a trumpet fanfare and a voice that sounded distinctly like Catherine saying, "Hail, Caesar!"  
  
From the opposite side of the "stage", Meiran walked out slowly, wearing a toga.  
  
"Caesar?" Dorothy asked.  
  
"KILL!" Hilde screamed, and lunged at Meiran, stabbing her repeatedly with the dull plastic blade.  
  
With a mournful cry, Meiran crumpled to the floor, tossing out her own handful of confetti.  
  
"He's dead!" Hilde said, striking a triumphant pose.  
  
"Oh, no..." Dorothy said, suddenly looking stricken. "What have we done? You killed Caesar!"  
  
"_I_ killed Caesar? _We_ killed Caesar! So we can be done with his stupidity!"  
  
"I can't believe we've killed Caesar..." Dorothy dropped to her knee next to Meiran's body and made a mournful gesture.  
  
"We did a bad," Hilde agreed, kneeling on the other side of the body.  
  
"How horrible!" Dorothy whispered.  
  
Suddenly, the attitude of the play found its moment of solemnity as the two women knelt around the body, quietly grieving. Treize's hand found its way into Une's as they sat there, watching the montage.  
  
"Well," Hilde finally said. "It's a shame Mulder had to die."  
  
The rest of the actors--even the "dead" ones--looked at her, horrified.  
  
"I'm not Mulder, you idiot, I'm Caesar!" Meiran hissed.  
  
G threw some of his leftover confetti at Hilde and glared. "You messed up my dramatic death scene!" he growled.  
  
Sally, a stricken look on her face, coughed suddenly and walked center stage, in front of the tableau. "And, uh, so ends the tragic tale of Julius Caesar." Blushing furiously, she smiled a rather desperate, plastic smile and looked at Treize nervously, as if to gauge his reaction.  
  
When no condemnation was immediately forthright, all the actors scrambled up into a line and bowed, nervously awaiting his reaction.  
  
Before Treize could figure out what to say, he was interrupted by a gargly howl. "G! You did wonderful!"  
  
Treize never knew J could "glomp" someone.  
  
"Would you like to see the dance we prepared? It's a special ritual dance," Hilde said. Meiran, Dorothy, and Catherine glared at her.  
  
He cleared his throat, searching for a diplomatic way of telling them the play sucked, and he was keeping the prize gundam. Fate, however, seemed to be on his side--or, perhaps it was hormones--as Trowa made an interesting purring noise in response to something Quatre had done.  
  
Treize smiled in relief. "Actually, I think this is our cue to adjourn for the evening. Thank you for the entertainment, ladies and... G, but I think it's time for the wedding night." He looked over at the couples, who were absolutely uninterested in the proceedings. Quatre was making Trowa emit little "mrr-ing" noises (Treize had the feeling Quatre would fail another hand check at the moment), and Heero and Relena were kissing in a rather chaste manner (compared to Quatre and Trowa). Glancing over at Une, Treize was pleased to see an amused, warm look on her face.  
  
With her eyes, she said, "Get us out of here."  
  
"If you'll excuse me, it's my wedding night." Standing gracefully, he held his hand out to Une and helped her up. They strolled out of the room, ignoring the noises G and J were making as they re-introduced themselves. He had the feeling that the other newlyweds would be fleeing to the safety of their own bedrooms soon.  
  


* * *

  
  
"So, this is where the General lives." Duo whirled around, arms out stretched, and took in the ambiance of the throne room. "Very nice."  
  
"Cozy," Wufei agreed. "Why are we here again?"  
  
"I'm leaving these babies," Duo displayed another set of the infamous Zechs Blackmail Pictures (ZBPs), "somewhere for G's lover to find."  
  
"He has a lover?" Wufei made a disgusted face. "Come on, let's hurry. These mortal places just give me the willies."  
  
"It's not that bad," Duo said cheerfully. "Feels just like home."  
  
Wufei glanced over, looking at Duo out of the corner of his eye. "So, you grew up in a place like this?"  
  
"Me? Like this?" Duo snorted. "Nah. G's house was much smaller. There was a big lab, though--that was the biggest part of the house. I wasn't really allowed there without G's permission, though."  
  
"What kinds of projects was he working on?" Wufei asked idly, happy to find Duo in a introspective mood. Duo talked a lot, but rarely about his past.  
  
"He wanted to make the perfect soldier. I don't mean train," Duo interrupted Wufei's question. "I mean build. Like, with legos."  
  
"Legos?" Wufei furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what kind of contraption a Lego was.  
  
"He had all these potions I had to drink, and these exercises. I don't really remember it all. I was sick a lot, 'cause his potions were crap in a cup, and I didn't get to play outside. I was real lonely until _ Shinigami_ came and found me." Duo turned and grinned brilliantly at Wufei. "Until I met you."  
  
At that moment, Wufei suddenly saw what Zechs had been babbling about in his half-asleep state. Zechs had seen in Duo what Wufei had not until just that moment: Duo's love and adoration.  
  
Wufei found the smile growing on his face in return as he gazed at the gentleness in the other's violet eyes. For a moment, Duo's image was frozen into his mind: his long braid, illuminated by the fire in the fireplace behind him, glowed, and the few strands that poked free of the braid seemed alive in their color; his clothes, black and tailored to fit loosely over his wiry but strong frame, pulled gently over the muscles in his arms, legs, and chest; his skin, hit with the light from the moon through the large windows through which they'd entered, glowed in the pale light with a sheen that came only from love. He tried to think of something to say, and realized suddenly that Duo was still talking.  
  
"And, Wu, I wasn't gonna say anything--especially not with you still getting over Zechs 'n' all that--but during that whole orgy thing those people in the woods had going for themselves, I felt like maybe you understood. Like maybe it wasn't just me." He took a few steps closer to Wufei, standing right in his personal space.  
  
Wufei was caught, that smile still on his face as he gazed at Duo, only half-hearing his words as he tried to figure out how to bring up what Zechs had told him.  
  
When Duo found a way to break through his thoughts.  
  
He started as he felt Duo's hand on his shoulder, a sudden touch of warmth and magic in the cool of the night. Duo's face was only a few inches from his own--when had he come so close?--and they were both still smiling their own soft, brilliant smiles. Duo reached over and brushed their lips together, lingering on the dry caress for a moment before pulling back, the look on his face mirroring the idea that he had to now survey the damage he'd unwittingly wrought.  
  
He needn't have worried.  
  
The warm smile was still on Wufei's face, and the king of fairies settled a hand on his hip to pull him closer. "Maxwell, you don't have to worry anymore."  
  
Duo looked slightly confused at the name, but yet also hopeful at his words. "I don't?"  
  
Wufei knew he was smiling like an idiot--no, he wasn't going to call Duo an idiot anymore, remember? he told himself firmly--in any event, his face knew he was happy in this moment, with only the possibility of love blossoming in him, more happy than any moment he'd had with Zechs, or any other lover he'd had. For some reason--_pick a reason_--Duo felt right.  
  
Duo leaned in and pressed his mouth to Wufei's again, as if wondering if the first response was a fluke. He moved his mouth a little, leaning into the kiss as Wufei pressed back. Wufei could feel Duo's hand, the one not on his shoulder, slip up to cup his neck in a gesture that had always felt controlling with Zechs, but now seemed only treasuring. He heard the envelope full of blackmail pictures slip peacefully to the ground as Duo forgot all about his motivations for coming to the mortal palace in the first place; it lifted a burden in Wufei's heart, and he joyfully reveled in Duo's scent, so much cleaner and erotic than the oils Zechs used. All comparisons fell away, however, as Wufei unwittingly opened his mouth a little and the kiss moved to something deeper. He petted Duo's back, Duo's hair, the soft, sleek skin of Duo's face, feeling the textures and imprinting them into his senses. Duo leaned closer, the hand on his neck sliding into his hair at the base of his ponytail. The leather strap in his hair slid to the ground as the hair sprung free. Duo's other hand slid from his shoulder to his back, pulling him closer so their bodies touched at many different points.  
  
When they finally pulled away, breathing heavily, Wufei's grin was large and vibrant. "You're amazing," he told Duo reverently.  
  
"Yeah," Duo replied, looking a little dazed and a lot pleased.  
  
Wufei chuckled. "I'm not having this discussion with you in a mortal palace. We're going back to the forest."  
  
"I dunno, Wu," Duo said lightly. "There's a certain ambiance to the throne room--" He laughed giddily as Wufei growled and initiated their third kiss. Wufei could feel Duo's body melding against his own, separate and new, but comfortable. They fit together, Wufei realized in a moment of clarity. Why had he never noticed?  
  
The kiss was heated, with an urgency the previous ones had only hinted at. Wufei let the need take over; as fairy king, it was his right to--  
  
But it was Duo... and he would let Duo set the pace. The kiss trickled off, and Wufei took a moment to pull himself back together before stepping away, catching Duo's disappointed hand as it fell and twining their fingers together. "Let's go."  
  
They left, the envelope still lying, forgotten, on the floor.  
  


* * *

_Fine_

* * *

Okay, so you've reached the end. Now tell Cassima whatcha think.

Just go back to the index already!


End file.
